I fanasize......

I fanasize about a day when the past would be a ghost
I fanasize about a tomorrow which could never play host
I fanasize about a dimension where I am the oblivion
I fanasize about a world where I get to be whoever the hell I want

I fanasize about a path where I would cherish my blessings
I fanasize about a crime which would set me free
I fanasize about coming out of the shadow that I have become
I fanasize about not existing like a zombie anymore

I fanasize about a burden that would for once be worth carrying
I fanasize about a milestone which would make the journey worthwhile
I fanasize about a moniker that speaks for itself
I fanasize about a memory which would stand out, pain-free

I fanasize about each moment which takes me closer to my destiny
I fanasize about the final peace that would banish the turmoil
I fanasize about the illumination that could explain all my choices
I fanasize about a life worth living for and a love worth dying for.

Annoyingly random lines right? But that's basically me right now...scattered all over the universe.

Where have I been? In another self imposed exile.
What have I been doing? What do people do in exile? Mop...what else.
Why have I been doing so? Hmmm... I'm confused if my special days have become ordinary or my ordinary days special. The B'day day couldn't have been any dudder, the V-day made me turn into one of those cynics who don't have love next to then so they hate people around who do and speak out at varying decibels of how overrated the day is. The annual anniversary didn't even win me one single flower; the red zerbra!!!I was contemplating travelling to California and I was excited about going to Sweden; I'm going to UK, which even though is what I wanted just a few months ago, is now making me wonder why did I want it in the first place!!!I've had some great days of self realizations, of people showing me just how special I am and I've had days where I don't know why I am even trying to do anything at all and have felt like the dust on a door mat.
When will it end? Probably after the much awaited Euro trip (but I won't count on it...photos might soon replace all my words, if not most)
How have I been spending my time? Oh mostly composing new drafts everyday, recruiting as many as I can for the Euro trip (which I swear on my-Satan's concubine-red nails, I'll murder Radhe Shyam ,if I have to end up going alone); learning some Portugese and forgetting it the very next hour; miserably failing to like C /C++programs(why did masochistic humans evolve from Fortran...why oh Lucifer why), mugging up the capitals of 5 countries each day to trick my brain into thinking that it equates to improving  my pathetic GK; crafting and re-craftings my "finer" side, looking inside to find some answers(so far all I've gotten is that I've a hollow-Chandler dead-tin chest and all the answers are frigging outside), wondering what sort of an SME I am when I can't even be sure what is the subject, where is the matter and how did I become an expert. Short story shorter, not very productively.

desejando um amanhã melhor

 

P.S.  It's fanasize, not fantasize, cause that's how I say it with an American or Southie accent depending on the people I have just interacted with.

P.P.S. Don't you people dare ask me how the blogger's meet was...with that many no shows and a guy who came with only one agenda in mind it was...never mind. 

P.P.P.S. I've lost the inclination to get on blogger, even if it is to read other blogs. I'm sorry I haven't been regular here or on your blogs guys, the one thing I hate is being fake and I'll be just that if I try to be my older self now.

INDIA: A country of paradoxes

              India. My Beautiful India. You are unique. Did you know that? Nah… I am not saying so to flatter you. You indeed are unique. OK you want me to prove it. Fine. You answer this. Tell me who among your brothers’ and sisters’ can boast of having a desert and a glacier, a peninsula and snow capped mountain ranges, islands and union territories all interwoven to make one single nation? You won’t have an answer you know because there isn’t anybody apart from who Mother Nature has blessed so abundantly. 

You aren't called Incredible India without a reason you know. You have the Western Ghats and the Eastern Himalayas which are perennially covered in a blanket of green and filled with the hoots-roars-trumpets-bellows-drones-hisses and chirps of the gorgeous animals you provide shelter to. You are home to different languages due to your cultural and geographical diversity; a whooping 347! I don't even want to start n the festivals and rituals we Indians have. You should be proud of yourself. Hey, why are you so vehemently disagreeing with me? WHAT!!! You say your assets have now become your liabilities. Your blessings have turned into banes. What are you talking about would you care to explain please? Yes I promise I will listen to you carefully answer your questions to the best of my conscience. Let’s begin then. 

Do I know APJ? Are you kidding me? Off course I know APJ. Which other country can boast of a rocket scientist for a President! I see that brought a smile to your face, but that wasn't your point was it? Hmm.... your right we Indians could make a Muslim a President, but we haven been able to shun are deep rooted parochial tag of a terrorist from our Muslims brothers. Go ahead. You want to talk about the cow now??? HOLY COW! Ooops sorry I promised I would listen carefully. Yes I do see gomathas all over Bangalore. How? Eh....probably because they have been let loose by their masters, to fend for themselves, after providing years of selfless service. Hey wait a minute isn't the cow sacred as per our scriptures? If our religious sentiments prevent us from butchering her doesn't it also mean we need to give her a respectable death? But when are scriptures actually followed here. A huge hue and cry was raised when Richard Gere planted a peck on Shilpa Shetty's cheeks. 'Barthiya Sanskrithi to Dhaka' read newspapers across the country. I pity the cows for not being able to get national coverage for their despicable plight. Our scared River Ganga is also dying a slow death don't you agree? 

But all is not lost India. What about our languages. That sure is something to boast of. No you say. "Indians have stopped respecting the very same diversity the would have otherwise boasted of to their Brit friends." I will have to agree with you on this. You know what happened the other day? I happened to board this local bus to commute to my workplace and I noticed one of my friends from office, Aditya, having a tough time explaining to the conductor where exactly he wanted to be dropped off. Now here down in the South things are a little different. People here can be just a rude as they can be helpful. In this case the conductor happened to be the former and he let loose a string of profanities. I was left wondering whose fault it was: the conductor’s because of his total denial of the fact that Hindi is our national language and every Indian should no how to speak in Hindi or is it Aditya's since he has obstinately refused to learn the local lingo for the past 4 years? You were divided on a linguistic basis India, and we still remain divided even so many years of freedom!! Truly sad. 

I know the Ambanis', Murthys', Birlas' etc. used the bountiful resources you provided and sent their children to Stanford/Oxford/LSB without fail. Your IITs was not worthy enough for their sons and daughters. Do we see any of them coming back to improve your condition. No chance in hell!!!No wonder the millionaires of our country move on to become billionaires or if they can swindle the common man more probably trillionares but the slum dog, alas will always remain the slum dog. 

But you still have me India. Not just me, many like me. I can try to change your plight, but I sure won't join politics to do so because when I see floods I see misery and not the power sharing tactics my state witnessed. Me being a girl have my limitations after all the once epitome of courage and strength - Kali Maa is today reduced to a victim of incest-rape-dowry death! You still maybe the country where the judiciary decides how to punish Ajmal Kasab and not the mother of Sandeep Unnikrishnan. You may well be the country where till date the girl child is shunned upon, fair skin is lusted after and religious intolerance reaches new atrocious levels. But you were my 1st love India and to date your status remains so.  

Your only salvation is true and impartial education to the future generation. I can only promise to strive to remove you from the shackles of terrorism, riots, scams and malevolence that hold you back from realizing the hallowed place of glory thy truethly deserve.  

India. My Incredible India, I only pray - "Into that heaven of freedom my Father, let my country awake"

                              Happy Republic Day, fellow Indians!!! 

 

P.S I had written this 2010 and I never thought my sentiments would change. They haven't in the least bit, but suddenly earning in pounds seems much much more gratifying than busting my ass over morons for peanuts paid in ruppaiyyas.   

P.P.S: The video attached here is played  at a multiplex in a local mall before any movie begins. The audience are politely asked to stand, some do, some don't. Those that do at remind me at times of the geometric constructions of angles my tuition students did, acute or obtuse, never 90 degrees!!! During the last bit, at the salute of muchad-uncle, goosebumps pop out of every follicle on me and I always add a mental note, I'm proud I am an Indian. When did a hypocrite creep inside me? When I say, when!!! But then, it's IN the Indian DNA to manifest itself as the biggest hypocrites mankind has ever known.

Bum on the saddle

 

I was running late that day. Things have a tendency to go wrong around me and I was all too aware of the minutes slipping past sporadically, as though they had a sprint contest going on. Had to skip breakfast yet again and father wasn't happy about my choice of clothes either. I couldn't afford to miss the college bus; the alternative being felt up in the over-crowded, over-smelling and over-tardy city bus. After the hurried exit from the house I was rushing to cover the 10 minute walk to the bus when I noticed him first. I had seen that cycle before, who would miss it. Garish orange in color, it had the complexion to make a chrysanthemum blush, but it was the first time I had seen the proud owner. Now if the vahan of this demi-god of the Govinda clan was a standout you sensible people can as well guess his attire, can't you? Me being me, burst out laughing right there, forgetting I was 2 mins away from missing the college bus. Having had my dose of entertainment for the day, I ran like a maniac to reach the yellow moving vehicle, which to my blurred vision appeared to be my means of reaching the college. A familiar "Schumi will leave you behind one day, just you watch" greeted me and I could allow myself to relax and regain my breath. I always sat with Vatsal in the bus and promptly started my quota of stories, ignoring his banal comment as usual. He had nothing much to offer on the red glittery pants of Mr demi-god but we did come up with a name for him " Chamki ". That was the end of him for that day and I didn't think of him till the next day.   

I wasn't late the following day, but I did forget my lunch, so had to rush back to avoid Mother tagging along the coll bus with her Scooty, embarrassing the shit out of me, to deliver the forgotten tiffin box. The orange fellow was doing rounds today with a bum clad in purple boot-cut pants. After shielding my eyes from the attack of colors I dared to cast a second glance at Chamki, he grinned a broad not-so-indecent grin for God- of-fuglies only knows why, but he didn't seem bothered that I had the grimace that should have made any normal person doubt himself just a bit. Nope, this man, ladies and gentlemen, was on the contrary beaming with self confidence. Vatsal wanted to call him 'Burple Chamki' and took a guess that tomorrow I would be blessed with gold or yellow pants. They weren't yellow pants the next day, but it was an yellow shirt atop black and white checkered pants. Before I could even absorb the shock, some words reached me. When I had recovered I could swear they were "Hi, you look nicey". One can guess what Vatsal, with his dodo  brain would have offered for this "Nicey Chamki". The conversation was strictly one-sided for a few days so was the increasing damage to my optic cells.   

One fine day, after one of the famous no-win arguments with my mother, when he had the audacity to come up to me with green spectacles and matching footwear, I broke my silence. To date I'm not sure if the green triggered self-destructive hormones in me or Mother had taken care of that for me. The conversation went like this..

Cow dung-green Chamki: Hi, you goody today?

Me(after failing to come up with a grimace): What does it look like to you?

Cow dung-green Chamki: You tell na?

Me: Do you have a mirror at home? 

Cow dung-green Chamki: 3 I having, why?

Me: Has it not cracked still?   

Cow dung-green Chamki: no no, all is yokay....you from where?

Me(having had enough of the green monkey): Bulgaria. 

Cow dung-green Chamki: where it is ya?

Me(after not being able to come up with something smart enough): Where they wear only black and white ya. 

Cow dung-green Chamki: But you wear coloursu no...you don't likey Bluguria?

Me(having reached the bus and seeing an evil grin on Vatsal): Kill me God, kill me!!!

Hoor ke saath langoor types

Needless to say, everybody in class already knew about my green encounter before I had even stepped inside and had to endure day long jokes, some even involving me taking a ride on the orange abomination!!! Rage hormones had given birth to newer rage hormones and I couldn't wait to vent it out on the green monkey. 

All geared up the next day, I leave earlier than usual to get rid of the rainbow man but he hadn't come without his preparations either. The blue polka dot creature had flowers to offer along with "I sarry, you very nice, you talking of suicide hurting me" and left. I was flabbergasted to say the least and never got a chance to vent my frustration. The next day with trepidation in my heart and bracing my eyes and myself against more shenanigans, I stepped out of my house, the chromatic world were hues are under my control, to be greeted with a sombre attired not so sombre Chamki. There was no mention of yesterday or the flowers and he promptly got on to elaborating why what he had for breakfast was healthy, that his cycle needs some new green tyres and that his parents were looking for an ideal match for sister in the wrong community. The only thought in my head that day was, if Chamki is this color blind how much is Chamki's little sister!!!

The bum on the saddle did his rounds in the same manner everyday for the rest of the semester. I would occasionally offer a hmm...or a curve of the lips which I would never admit was a smile. There were Mondays when I would be so low in the blue dump and the mindless chatter from the sometimes red, sometimes yellow, sometimes red and yellow bum would keep me company during the 10 minutes walk. Vatsal had long since stopped coming up with improved names for Chamki, he couldn't keep up with the gamut of colors the bum had to offer you see. There were times when his stories would be engaging and I would have to pinch myself from offering my opinions. At times I would hear few words which I was bound to interpret as compliments and I would hate myself for being a girl and liking those compliments. The fact that the guy annoyed the crap out of me with his broken English was replaced with the one that there was a man who could talk more than me and make no sense whatsover but gives a rats ass about that. It mattered not to him how fast I walked, how tight my arms were crossed or how stoic my face would be. he would ramble on and on and on. There was no stopping this man or camouflaging him. Not that I tried to either. 

 

It's now 3 weeks of  the final semester and I haven't spotted the flaming orange bicycle yet nor have I been blinded by it's flamboyant rider since I got back from my vacation between the semesters. I had never asked the bum his name and the name Chamki has stuck on. The journey from the house to the bus for some reason seems very lonely. For 5 months, when everything was uncertain in my life, the color display from the bum on the saddle was the only certainty in my life. Even though it was a monologue I miss the 10 minute conversations we had every morning for 6 days in a week. The gamut of the colors the monkey had to offer stands in stark contrast today to monochromatic world that I inhabit, the audacity of the man to talk uninhibitedly to a stranger reminds me incessantly of the walls I have built around me and the callousness of Chamki nudges me to stop being a Prima donna and enjoy life as it is meant to be. I know not what happened of the rainbow man but I do know that I miss the familiar orange bicycle and bum atop it's saddle.

P.S. I seemed to have lost the inclination to post anything in particular. I still write but just save them as drafts. I'm sure it's just not me but a cure for this would be much appreciated.

P.P.S. I had a totally different plot in mind when I started this, it was supposed to be a semi-love story kind but getting back on the saddle of fiction writing has it's hiccups and I am so not happy with what I garbled out here :'(. 

P.P.P.S: Schumi was the name of our college bus driver, for obvious reasons.