I fanasize......

I fanasize about a day when the past would be a ghost
I fanasize about a tomorrow which could never play host
I fanasize about a dimension where I am the oblivion
I fanasize about a world where I get to be whoever the hell I want

I fanasize about a path where I would cherish my blessings
I fanasize about a crime which would set me free
I fanasize about coming out of the shadow that I have become
I fanasize about not existing like a zombie anymore

I fanasize about a burden that would for once be worth carrying
I fanasize about a milestone which would make the journey worthwhile
I fanasize about a moniker that speaks for itself
I fanasize about a memory which would stand out, pain-free

I fanasize about each moment which takes me closer to my destiny
I fanasize about the final peace that would banish the turmoil
I fanasize about the illumination that could explain all my choices
I fanasize about a life worth living for and a love worth dying for.

Annoyingly random lines right? But that's basically me right now...scattered all over the universe.

Where have I been? In another self imposed exile.
What have I been doing? What do people do in exile? Mop...what else.
Why have I been doing so? Hmmm... I'm confused if my special days have become ordinary or my ordinary days special. The B'day day couldn't have been any dudder, the V-day made me turn into one of those cynics who don't have love next to then so they hate people around who do and speak out at varying decibels of how overrated the day is. The annual anniversary didn't even win me one single flower; the red zerbra!!!I was contemplating travelling to California and I was excited about going to Sweden; I'm going to UK, which even though is what I wanted just a few months ago, is now making me wonder why did I want it in the first place!!!I've had some great days of self realizations, of people showing me just how special I am and I've had days where I don't know why I am even trying to do anything at all and have felt like the dust on a door mat.
When will it end? Probably after the much awaited Euro trip (but I won't count on it...photos might soon replace all my words, if not most)
How have I been spending my time? Oh mostly composing new drafts everyday, recruiting as many as I can for the Euro trip (which I swear on my-Satan's concubine-red nails, I'll murder Radhe Shyam ,if I have to end up going alone); learning some Portugese and forgetting it the very next hour; miserably failing to like C /C++programs(why did masochistic humans evolve from Fortran...why oh Lucifer why), mugging up the capitals of 5 countries each day to trick my brain into thinking that it equates to improving  my pathetic GK; crafting and re-craftings my "finer" side, looking inside to find some answers(so far all I've gotten is that I've a hollow-Chandler dead-tin chest and all the answers are frigging outside), wondering what sort of an SME I am when I can't even be sure what is the subject, where is the matter and how did I become an expert. Short story shorter, not very productively.

desejando um amanhã melhor

 

P.S.  It's fanasize, not fantasize, cause that's how I say it with an American or Southie accent depending on the people I have just interacted with.

P.P.S. Don't you people dare ask me how the blogger's meet was...with that many no shows and a guy who came with only one agenda in mind it was...never mind. 

P.P.P.S. I've lost the inclination to get on blogger, even if it is to read other blogs. I'm sorry I haven't been regular here or on your blogs guys, the one thing I hate is being fake and I'll be just that if I try to be my older self now.