Friday, December 9, 2011

Post breakup trauma: Memories, handicaps, revealitions

Dec 6th, between 3-4 p.m. lived through yet another break up. One minute we were together, barely so, but still together, and the next before I could even make any sense of it we weren't an item anymore. We had been together for hardly 11 months during which time we had been through the highs and lows of a relationship. Whenever I threw a fit, he was the one who bore the brunt of my abuses. When I shed those salty brooks, he soaked it all up. Whenever I needed him the most he would choke up and disappear, only to appear when things have cooled down(that's why he is a he and not a she). But he always did always come back. We've has our fair share of problems and both of us had learn to adjust with each other and accept each other for whatever we are with all the flaws and warts. Until last month I even thought he was showing more patience and a greater sense of responsibility and happy I was that the relationship was maturing. But then one day last week he seemed desperate to move away, almost as if to get away from my clutches, and he did get away but hurt himself in the process. I embraced him immediately but the damage was already done. I hovered around him after that, taking extreme care of him. I also started to become extra cautious looking out for signs of desertion, I got no hint of what was going to befall me on the fateful day.

What happened next will forever remain etched in my memory as a painful incident. I lost him, my I phone 4, in the flight on my way back from Delhi. What hurts even more, I was so very cautious about everything that day(I'm the most absent minded person ever so this is a big big step for me OK).I triple checked everything yet destiny stuck her hand right in and took away my phone. I'm not bothered that it was an I phone that I lost, yes it cost a bomb to get it, but what I really really want are the photos in it. I never got a chance to copy them and all the photos and videos are now gone forever or may find their way into some shady site if I don't get the phone locked soon. Why I haven't done it yet, I'm one of those stupid souls who believes in the inherent goodness of people. In spite of repeated instances given to me by the almighty himself I still believe in it. So what if I already knew that this person will do whatever she wants, I still ask her to show some restraint; it doesn't happen, yet I continue to believe in her. So what if I already know how my relationship is going, I still hope and pray for a miracle to come cure it all. So what if I knew that there are no truly integral people left in this world, I pray that I could have met one at least this time.

The phone was in the flight all along the journey back to Delhi and I didn't heed the word of caution from the boy and kept calling my number in the hope that a good Samaritan my find it and hand it over to the air crew. Yes, yes I should fall down a 200 feet well and drown myself for thinking that way, but I do. I look at the world through my glasses, I expect the world to behave the way I do. I would have promptly tried to find the owner of the phone or any such lost things and have done, so what happens to the outcome of the statement 'do unto others as you want then to do unto you' Ghanta... anything good comes out of it. Only the bad/trash goes and comes around. Dear God, if you are anything like Barney, please accept the challenge and get me back my photos...I've thrown in the gauntlet be a man, come face the challenge..hmp hmp hmp!!!
My first. last and only photo with my I phone

Why I fussing over these photos so much? I had most of  trip photos in that darn I phone and I phone being  an I phone was giving so many issues while getting the photos out of the phone that I decided to wait until I get a new lappy to do so. I've had to close calls recently and i kept telling myself now is the time do it, do it but alas I didn't do it. All of my UK photos, some in them being my best photos ever, some being captured so beautifully, few others bringing back fond memories!!!

Of all the things in my life, I hold my memories dearest to me. It's one of the reasons why Alzheimer's disease scares the hell out of me. Imagine living trapped in a world where nothing, not a single thing is familiar to you. There have been times when I have fallen back on my memories with certain people to comfort me when I was low; I've gone over and over some painful ones to remind me that I've grown strong to be an independent person because of them; I've relived some moments of absolute bliss through few others memories; I've learnt to cry,smile my wry smile, sigh, hate, giggle, loathe these memories. I've built castles based on these and I've razed those castles when realities struck down.  Transporting me back to the wonderful times that have gone by, these memories have given me a kind of solace no person, near or far, has ever been able to.

I used to be able to boast of a photographic memory way back in school...I knew each para, each formula and the proofs, complex organic equations made prefect sense to me. I wasn't a mug pot, I was just a good photo copier!!! But as age progresses and gray cells start deteriorating by watching inane things like Ra.One  and Big Boss, I've started to rely more on photos and vidoes. It's not that I haven't lost photos before: my comp has crashed, external hard drive has been corrupted, memory stick broke...all this shiiit has happened to me, but these were special memories. I could always do the same photo shoot again and get the same DP kinda legs, but it will never ever be the same. 

I get hung up, that has to be my biggest handicap. It took me one year plus to get over an absolute arse of a boyfriend. It's very difficult for me to let go. So many people have been telling to let the past go. I've been listening to the good natured ones. Some have come down to threats too, but why I can't let go I don't know. I was watching HIMYM the other day and something in a particular episode suddenly made sense to me: CLOSURE. I can't move on until I get it and I need to get it my way only then it's closure else it's pure coercion. When I lost the phone I felt so lonely, all my contacts were gone, I wanted to call somebody, anybody and tell them that I lost my precious phone, to get some comfort, but I couldn't. There was a time when we didn't even know cell phones existed, life still went on, but today we depend on them so much, life comes to a stand still at the loss of this gadget!!! Yes I got a replacement phone immediately, but for those few hours that I had to depend on others were miserable for me.

Something that comes back to me strongly now is, I've changed a lot over this year. Initially I thought it was for the best, but now I'm not very sure. The one word people would associate me with was: impromptu. I lived life in the moment. Today I think things through so much, again and again, that by the time I actually get to doing things they seem meaningless. I've been meaning to ask the boy, what is that's troubling him so much that he is growing so very distant everyday, haven't done it yet. Finding the opportune moment, it didn't come even in Delhi. I've been meaning to get along with life, look for a new job, finish up the GMAT; haven't done it yet. My ass is sure expanding just by all the constant lazing around I'm doing!!! I've been meaning to give somebody one tight slap and say get the hell out of my life, let me live in peace; haven't done it yet. I'm hurting myself my staying in this quagmire, hurting myself real bad, emotionally, physically, mentally, but the inertia seems to be insurmountable!!! I also realized this week that I should follow my gut instincts. Something kept telling me go back and check, I did go back to my seat but didn't run a thorough check, If I did I wouldn't have to be buying the 4S soon!!!
Few other observations:
1) Never mock the I-phone, especially if you own one. You won't believe what I was discussing just before I got into that stupid flight! A post centred around this pic. 

They have in built super natural powers to sense the resentment and conspire to run away. I'm living, talking proof of it. At least take a back up of everything, secure your phone in several ways and give them your constant touch. They'll stay faithful and not elope away with the next bastard they meet!!! With me it's a different story, people hate some phones like some others, in my case all phones hate me. This one would be number 8 in the lost list, I've lost one of each make I think till now!!! Go ahead pity me.

2) If you tell people please don't laugh, I'm actually still in very very upset, they seem to completely go deaf/blind. They will mock you till you tear up. If you tell people please don't talk about it again, it's affecting me big time bury it here, they won't give two hoots about what you think. They want to talk about it they will. If you tell people don't judge me, they will do exactly that. If you tell people mind your own business, they will poke their stinky noses more fervently in your lives. What do you do then? Well if you find out let me know please. Till then I think I'll avoid such people. They are thrusting more and more into depression. 

3) You realize the value of something, how much it mattered in your life only when it goes away. I can always get a new phone, new photos maybe, but I can never replace those memories. We spend so much of our time doing things we know hurt us and other people yet we do it, one sick race we are yet we call ourselves progressive. It's the end of the year, time to reflect on where the hell 11 months went by and what did we achieve in this span. Soon we'll be making New year resolutions, only to break most of them the very next month, it's how we know yourselves to be. But can we not be different. For once let's make promises we'll keep, hug those who really need them now, help those whom we can spare time for and love like we've never know hate before!!!

Tener un tiempo maravilloso


Red Handed said...

Now even I am luking at the world thru my glasses. I sooo pray that a GANDHIAN soul got ur phone and is fighting great battle to get it back to u. Or some baddie who got ur phone, saw ur pic and fell in love with you and now is fighting the devil within to get you back ur phone. M not kidding!!!! I am dumb like tht. But HOPE makes us liveeee!!

CookieCrumbsInc. said...

-_- you lost a friggin' iPhone?!

And yeah, my greatest fear when it comes to technology is that I'll lose my stuff, my virtual diary, my music, my posts and my photos. I'd prolly die if I lost them, for sure.

Losing the phone made you all senti-philo eh? That's a nice thought at the end, more people should know how important it is.

The DRAGON in the skin of a goat ;-p said...

@Red: I don't care who he is...he can even be your gym trainer and long as get back my photos...I won't hit you but I've started to hate the word hope. I have...nothing really hopeful happens to me!!!

@PV: Notice how I say I phone everywhere. It was my single most pricey possession...a whooping 48 k spent on it. I can get senti-philo quite easily you know just that I've bugged to many people with that so shut it most of the times. Suddenly all the hate around me seemed to overwhelm me :(.

Atrocious Scribblings said...

If he(the phone) was meant to be a conniving eloper; he sure doesn't deserve you then.

Anyway that's that and I`ll just let you grieve in peace.

Viya ;) said...

awww mannn!!! :| i've been through this.. :| i mean mine wasn't an I phone but still.. i had like a ziliioonnnn pictures in them! :| and the worst thing is i lost it in my Room!!!!! I jus can't figure out how the godammn thing disappeared!... :|
I reaaally reaally hope you get back your phone sommeeeehow! :|

Spaceman Spiff said...

Ayyo! One kick on your butt for losing an iPhone! How how how?! :/
I personally would grieve more for a lost phone than a lost love. Do you think I need therapy? :/

maithili said...

When I first started reading I thought it was about a guy :P Later realised it was a Iphone!! How can you ????
I get mini heart attacks when I lose my phone for even a second..

kalpak n. said...

ok when u told me ur iphone was lost i dint feel it as strongly as i did when i read this post. now im feelin too sorry for u yaar. iphone sucks btw.

feels so nice to read u after so long. that brick wala pic was really good.

himym episodes at time make u think so much naa. they help u decide too, at times.

and ya...i wish to see old pinku back soon :)

love ya babes.

vixie said...


awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..hogli bidu..
shit happens..
sighhh..the phoos are the saddest part na..
dilpe churiya chal rahi hongi..:'(
i wish i could hug your blues away my love..
get the phone blocked and all soon machi..
need to be precaucious now.. are so right you know..
pathetic race we are really...
tchh..we stress so much in getting the nitty gritties of life right..that we just stop living..
we simply exist..

hmmm....glad you wrote your heart out..
and don't ya worry sexy babayy..
i shall pray for you and The Boy..:):)

all will be fine..
lots of love to you..
keep writing..

and yess..the pic is nice..:(
smile now bacche..:)

cheers !!

Rahul said...


Keirthana said...

Really sad..You are right about the photos. Memories are one of those things we hold on to, no matter what.. :( All I can say now to comfort you is- Get back to normal and make some new memories.... Nothing else eases the loss of old ones..

Anonymous said...

Unfair!!!! These days phones have more of us than our heart has :'( iPhone....better lock it...although I too wish that fellow returns it...

I love your photograph....

I loved the post....straight from heart....


The DRAGON in the skin of a goat ;-p said...

@Machi: But love also means something na...I agree I was very moody, kabhi kabhi uska insult bhi kardiya, but utna hi pyaar bhi diya tha yaar...kuch to insaaf hona chahiye na duniya mein!!!

@V: In your room girl!!! Now your reminding me of my room. I've lost countless earrings, bags, bangles in my room, but phone na....Please pray that I do get my photos back...ashte saaku...

@Divs: Illema...I think all of us grieve more for our lost phones than the lost love...and how I lost it...GAAD, with a sick sense of humor, wonly knows. Irony I was super careful that day.

@Maith: I've had so many such mini heart attack that finally when he left me, it has taken so long to sink in, yet to actually :'(

@Kallu: Old Pinku is right here, but it's your loss, some really hot photos of her went with that phone.

@Ads: i'm your bachha now huh? Too much agilva idu :P...danks girl pray hard, that evil God doesn't listen to my prayers, how many 'dear God' prayers I've said since the 6th you karune only :'( :'( :'(

@Rahul:Isse acha tum comment hi nahi chodte!!! What is this pity comment!!!

@Keirthana: The problem with me is I get hung up, it's not easy for me to move ahead. God only knows for how long the trauma of this breakup will last.

@Chints: I know it's really not fair, how is that we can remember all the pan pasands, lizzat papads, shakti-mans of childhood but we need to need to have our phone for everything from reminding us to pee to reminding us to wish mom and dad on their anni!!! I'm not a fan of this photo, look at that fat nose...eeeyuck...but then my only memory of my darling phone so dil se tadap nikal rahi hai :'(.

sumitra said...

Aww. No I won't mock you or judge you. We all have our 'moments', no matter how careful we are, some things just get lost.

I can relate to several things you write about. Including feeling alone and lost when you misplaced your phone, and spending a long time getting over a jerky boyfriend. I'm terribly absent minded too, and hence I double and triple check everything, I'm mostly more careful than a normal person. And then I go and lose something inspite of all that, and it feels like the whole world is judging me for it.

Hang in there, girl!

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