Post breakup trauma: Memories, handicaps, revealitions

Dec 6th, between 3-4 p.m. lived through yet another break up. One minute we were together, barely so, but still together, and the next before I could even make any sense of it we weren't an item anymore. We had been together for hardly 11 months during which time we had been through the highs and lows of a relationship. Whenever I threw a fit, he was the one who bore the brunt of my abuses. When I shed those salty brooks, he soaked it all up. Whenever I needed him the most he would choke up and disappear, only to appear when things have cooled down(that's why he is a he and not a she). But he always did always come back. We've has our fair share of problems and both of us had learn to adjust with each other and accept each other for whatever we are with all the flaws and warts. Until last month I even thought he was showing more patience and a greater sense of responsibility and happy I was that the relationship was maturing. But then one day last week he seemed desperate to move away, almost as if to get away from my clutches, and he did get away but hurt himself in the process. I embraced him immediately but the damage was already done. I hovered around him after that, taking extreme care of him. I also started to become extra cautious looking out for signs of desertion, I got no hint of what was going to befall me on the fateful day.

What happened next will forever remain etched in my memory as a painful incident. I lost him, my I phone 4, in the flight on my way back from Delhi. What hurts even more, I was so very cautious about everything that day(I'm the most absent minded person ever so this is a big big step for me OK).I triple checked everything yet destiny stuck her hand right in and took away my phone. I'm not bothered that it was an I phone that I lost, yes it cost a bomb to get it, but what I really really want are the photos in it. I never got a chance to copy them and all the photos and videos are now gone forever or may find their way into some shady site if I don't get the phone locked soon. Why I haven't done it yet, I'm one of those stupid souls who believes in the inherent goodness of people. In spite of repeated instances given to me by the almighty himself I still believe in it. So what if I already knew that this person will do whatever she wants, I still ask her to show some restraint; it doesn't happen, yet I continue to believe in her. So what if I already know how my relationship is going, I still hope and pray for a miracle to come cure it all. So what if I knew that there are no truly integral people left in this world, I pray that I could have met one at least this time.

The phone was in the flight all along the journey back to Delhi and I didn't heed the word of caution from the boy and kept calling my number in the hope that a good Samaritan my find it and hand it over to the air crew. Yes, yes I should fall down a 200 feet well and drown myself for thinking that way, but I do. I look at the world through my glasses, I expect the world to behave the way I do. I would have promptly tried to find the owner of the phone or any such lost things and have done, so what happens to the outcome of the statement 'do unto others as you want then to do unto you' Ghanta... anything good comes out of it. Only the bad/trash goes and comes around. Dear God, if you are anything like Barney, please accept the challenge and get me back my photos...I've thrown in the gauntlet be a man, come face the challenge..hmp hmp hmp!!!

My first. last and only photo with my I phone

Why I fussing over these photos so much? I had most of  trip photos in that darn I phone and I phone being  an I phone was giving so many issues while getting the photos out of the phone that I decided to wait until I get a new lappy to do so. I've had to close calls recently and i kept telling myself now is the time do it, do it but alas I didn't do it. All of my UK photos, some in them being my best photos ever, some being captured so beautifully, few others bringing back fond memories!!!

Of all the things in my life, I hold my memories dearest to me. It's one of the reasons why Alzheimer's disease scares the hell out of me. Imagine living trapped in a world where nothing, not a single thing is familiar to you. There have been times when I have fallen back on my memories with certain people to comfort me when I was low; I've gone over and over some painful ones to remind me that I've grown strong to be an independent person because of them; I've relived some moments of absolute bliss through few others memories; I've learnt to cry,smile my wry smile, sigh, hate, giggle, loathe these memories. I've built castles based on these and I've razed those castles when realities struck down.  Transporting me back to the wonderful times that have gone by, these memories have given me a kind of solace no person, near or far, has ever been able to.

I used to be able to boast of a photographic memory way back in school...I knew each para, each formula and the proofs, complex organic equations made prefect sense to me. I wasn't a mug pot, I was just a good photo copier!!! But as age progresses and gray cells start deteriorating by watching inane things like Ra.One  and Big Boss, I've started to rely more on photos and vidoes. It's not that I haven't lost photos before: my comp has crashed, external hard drive has been corrupted, memory stick broke...all this shiiit has happened to me, but these were special memories. I could always do the same photo shoot again and get the same DP kinda legs, but it will never ever be the same. 

I get hung up, that has to be my biggest handicap. It took me one year plus to get over an absolute arse of a boyfriend. It's very difficult for me to let go. So many people have been telling to let the past go. I've been listening to the good natured ones. Some have come down to threats too, but why I can't let go I don't know. I was watching HIMYM the other day and something in a particular episode suddenly made sense to me: CLOSURE. I can't move on until I get it and I need to get it my way only then it's closure else it's pure coercion. When I lost the phone I felt so lonely, all my contacts were gone, I wanted to call somebody, anybody and tell them that I lost my precious phone, to get some comfort, but I couldn't. There was a time when we didn't even know cell phones existed, life still went on, but today we depend on them so much, life comes to a stand still at the loss of this gadget!!! Yes I got a replacement phone immediately, but for those few hours that I had to depend on others were miserable for me.

Something that comes back to me strongly now is, I've changed a lot over this year. Initially I thought it was for the best, but now I'm not very sure. The one word people would associate me with was: impromptu. I lived life in the moment. Today I think things through so much, again and again, that by the time I actually get to doing things they seem meaningless. I've been meaning to ask the boy, what is that's troubling him so much that he is growing so very distant everyday, haven't done it yet. Finding the opportune moment, it didn't come even in Delhi. I've been meaning to get along with life, look for a new job, finish up the GMAT; haven't done it yet. My ass is sure expanding just by all the constant lazing around I'm doing!!! I've been meaning to give somebody one tight slap and say get the hell out of my life, let me live in peace; haven't done it yet. I'm hurting myself my staying in this quagmire, hurting myself real bad, emotionally, physically, mentally, but the inertia seems to be insurmountable!!! I also realized this week that I should follow my gut instincts. Something kept telling me go back and check, I did go back to my seat but didn't run a thorough check, If I did I wouldn't have to be buying the 4S soon!!!

Few other observations:

1) Never mock the I-phone, especially if you own one. You won't believe what I was discussing just before I got into that stupid flight! A post centred around this pic. 

They have in built super natural powers to sense the resentment and conspire to run away. I'm living, talking proof of it. At least take a back up of everything, secure your phone in several ways and give them your constant touch. They'll stay faithful and not elope away with the next bastard they meet!!! With me it's a different story, people hate some phones like some others, in my case all phones hate me. This one would be number 8 in the lost list, I've lost one of each make I think till now!!! Go ahead pity me.

2) If you tell people please don't laugh, I'm actually still in very very upset, they seem to completely go deaf/blind. They will mock you till you tear up. If you tell people please don't talk about it again, it's affecting me big time bury it here, they won't give two hoots about what you think. They want to talk about it they will. If you tell people don't judge me, they will do exactly that. If you tell people mind your own business, they will poke their stinky noses more fervently in your lives. What do you do then? Well if you find out let me know please. Till then I think I'll avoid such people. They are thrusting more and more into depression. 

3) You realize the value of something, how much it mattered in your life only when it goes away. I can always get a new phone, new photos maybe, but I can never replace those memories. We spend so much of our time doing things we know hurt us and other people yet we do it, one sick race we are yet we call ourselves progressive. It's the end of the year, time to reflect on where the hell 11 months went by and what did we achieve in this span. Soon we'll be making New year resolutions, only to break most of them the very next month, it's how we know yourselves to be. But can we not be different. For once let's make promises we'll keep, hug those who really need them now, help those whom we can spare time for and love like we've never know hate before!!!

Tener un tiempo maravilloso